Women who were born into Chinese families often feel that they have to always obey their parents and follow the same paths as others in the society. Concepts such as one has to get married by 30 and keep a stable job lessen many women’s potential to pursuit their own dreams in life. It takes a brave and stubborn woman to defy social norms and stay focus on achieving her own goals in a community where conformity is revered.
Hio Lou Chang, the author of Seek Within, has her ancestors from Fujian, was raised in a traditional family in Macau. She was sent to the United States to be educated at an early age and felt out of place when she returned to her hometown. During her early days back in Macau, somehow she realized that her strong critical thinking skills and taste for Western ideals of freedom clashed with her family’s values and beliefs.
After going through some ups and downs in her career and love life, she decided to go travel on her own and explore the world. Through visiting different countries, she noticed that many times a human being’s perception is shaped by their culture and experiences and the meaning of happiness is very diverse. After going to more than 50 places, she learned many valuable lessons about life and wrote a book to share her wisdom.
Coping with loneliness and fear is a skill that Chang acquired during her travel. Inspired by Dalai Lama’s advice, she tried to make new friends on the road when she was alone and was able to kept those meaningful friendship after the trip. Through free diving, she faced her own fears and overcame physical difficulties while she was deep in water. Mind training not only helped her to dive, but also assisted her in being focus in breaking her own limitations.
During a funeral in Nepal, she came across students who had just finished classes and “were sitting, incredibly at peace, staring across the river as if they were watching a random ceremony.” Coming from a society where funeral and cremation are perceived as eerie, she found the Nepalese’s uniquely peaceful ceremony to be refreshing, reminding us that “death is an essential part of the journey of life.”
With many of her friends over 30 who are already settled down with a husband and a family, Chang has not yet found a life partner, but in order to keep her option of having a child open, she went to the United States and had her eggs frozen. A woman who listens to the deepest voice from her heart, she disregarded other people’s words and discouragement at that time and did what she wanted to do. The precious experience also gave her a glimpse of what pregnancy might be like and would help her better determine the choice of motherhood in the future.
In 2018, Chang dated a man who attempted to strangle her in a fight. Heartbroken and scared, she walked away from the relationship and embarked on a path of learning to become a yoga teacher. Her yoga retreat in Bali attending classes was not a pleasant one as she had to deal with mosquitos and cold Western-style breakfast, but she persevered and eventually earned the respect of her instructor. “She wanted it, she really wanted to get it, and that is the positive thing about her. The strength that Lou showed in how she wanted things - that is what we all need,” she instructor spoke of her during the last day of training.
Chang came out a different person after her travel and yoga instructor training. Whatever her experience was, good or bad, she concluded that life is full of lessons and it is up to us to find ways to deal with adversity and clarity in chaos. In the future, it is her hope that she could form a community of like-minded people who can learn from each other.
“The path to self-healing and spiritual awakening is not straight forward, and neither is the path to your most authentic self - sometimes it’s two steps ahead and three steps back. I think it’s essential to form a central support system, a community outside of one’s daily and work life. It would help if you had a place without competition or people-pleasing, a place where you can be your most authentic self, a place for you to share the truth of your experience, and to help each other grow with kindness and compassion,” she wrote.
Perhaps one of the most admirable aspects of Chang’s book is how she is willing to share private and painful experiences of her life and let us know that it is normal to run into the wrong guy or get a camera drone stuck on a cliff. Life is not perfect, weird and unexpected events do happen. Sometimes it is not our fault. There are always people who do not like us and have their own opinions but those are not important.
Nothing in the world should stop us from being who we want to be and Chang is an example that it is possible to have it our way, regardless of gender, culture or ethnicity. In a Chinese society, we are bombarded by Confucius ideals. While concepts such as justice, kindness and sincerity are of great value and should be promoted, we also need to discover how to create a balance between filial piety and having the freedom to create our own happiness while loving and caring for the feelings of our elders who might not always agree with our way of living.
Chang seems to have achieve this balance, with compassion and true understanding of our own self and the good intentions of others, any conflicts should just be like clouds in the sky. The nature of the mind is like space, things might come and go, but everything is impermanent.